


Pink Kneazles

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crack, Mpreg, Post-War, Romance, The Quidditch Pitch: Eternity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-14
Updated: 2008-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-26 15:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10789482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Ron sees some things he wishes he hadn't and learns something about Harry he really didn't need to know.





	Pink Kneazles

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

"I look like a pouf." Ron finished tucking in his blue silk shirt. "And these trousers are way too tight."  
  
"Well, you'll fit right in." Seeing his disgruntled expression, Hermione pulled Ron into a hug. "You look very nice. Really. Besides, this is important to Harry." She handed him a comb.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Ron said, dragging the comb through his hair. "Gotta support Harry. But why does it have to be _there_?"  
  
"We've put off going there for far too long. Now zip up my dress," Hermione said, turning her back to Ron and lifting her hair out of the way.  
  
\--  
  
" _The Potion Room_? He can't be serious." Ron pulled the door open and held it for Hermione.  
  
"Quit complaining. And I want you to at least pretend to have a good time."  
  
"You sound like my mum," Ron muttered as he followed Hermione into the club.  
  
They paused just inside to let their eyes adjust to the dark room. There was some ghastly bass-heavy music blasting, and sweaty men dancing closely everywhere. Ron realized he was quite overdressed. Unsurprisingly, Hermione was the only woman in sight. Ron saw a flash of red hair off to the right. Before he had a chance to look further, Harry approached them.  
  
"Ron, Hermione! You came." Harry gave them each a hug. His shirt was haphazardly tucked in, his hair was even messier than usual, and his cheeks were flushed. Not just from alcohol, Ron thought. "Severus, they're here," Harry turned to call Snape.  
  
"Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger. Charmed, I'm sure," Snape said.  
  
"It's Mrs. Weasley, now," Hermione said.  
  
"My apologies. Old habits die hard."  
  
"It's good to see you again, Prof…Mr. Snape." Hermione smiled. "You look…well."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
After a long silence Ron opened his mouth, but Harry interrupted "Severus, let's get them drinks, shall we?"  
  
"Of course, Harry." He took Harry's hand as they walked away.  
  
"That wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it'd be," Ron said. "I've never understood what Harry sees in him."  
  
"Me neither." Hermione's brow furrowed. "But you would be surprised at how many girls fancied him back in school."  
  
" _Snape_? Why?"  
  
"I...Well, he's dark and brooding. And brave, for turning against Voldemort. I suspect it's a bit romantic, the idea of finding out what's behind the bitter and unpleasant facade."  
  
"I'll tell you what's behind the facade: a bitter and unpleasant man."  
  
"Ron!" Hermione said. "Really, you're terrible."  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
Hermione gave a small laugh, then her eyes went wide like saucers and she leaned in conspiratorially. "Ron, don't look but in the corner behind you is Percy with Oliver Wood."  
  
Ron turned his head just a bit and saw his brother quite entangled with Oliver. It was a bit difficult to tell whose hands were whose. Ron couldn't honestly say he was surprised.  
  
Harry tapped Ron on the shoulder. He came with Snape. "Here's a firewhisky for you," Harry said, handing Ron the glass. Ron then drank half of it. He thought it might be a long night.  
  
"Ms. Gra…Weasley," Snape said. "This is your drink." He gave Hermione a long thin glass containing a bubbling drink.  
  
Hermione cautiously took a sip. "This is quite tasty. What is it?"  
  
"It's a pink kneazle."  
  
"Well, thank you very much." Hermione took a longer drink.  
  
"Ron," Harry said. "We've got big news. You might want to finish your drink."  
  
Ron tipped the rest of the firewhisky down his throat. This couldn't be good. He wiped his mouth.  
  
"I...we...that is to say..." Harry trailed off.  
  
Snape took Harry's hand and gave it what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze. "It's going to be obvious soon enough, Harry."  
  
"Right. Ron, Hermione. I'm pregnant."  
  
Hermione's mouth dropped open while Ron's glass fell to the floor and shattered.  
  
Hermione was the first to speak. "Pregnant? But...you're a boy, Harry." She shook her head. "You're really pregnant?"  
  
Harry nodded and shot Ron a quick, uneasy glance.  
  
"What was the process?" Hermione asked. "Has this ever happened before? I've never read about anything like it, but of course I've never thought to research...how did you create the embryo? Where is it implanted? What is it implanted in? Do you have a placenta?"  
  
Ron could tell that Harry was uncomfortable now. There was really only one thing to do. He pulled Harry into a one-armed hug. "Er, congratulations, Harry. Snape. This is...exciting, I'm sure, for you. A bit unexpected, honestly. Sort of unprecedented, innit?"  
  
Harry smiled and looked relieved. "I know it's a bit odd, mate."  
  
Ron snorted. "Just a bit."  
  
"Thanks, Ron." Harry patted Ron on the back, then hugged Hermione. "Hermione, Severus can answer all of your questions."  
  
"Mrs. Weasley, first we collected our...samples, as well as a phial of blood and-"  
  
Ron found he was not interested in hearing the rest of the conversation. "Excuse me," he said. "Hermione, Harry, I'm going to go find the bar." He walked away, but not before hearing something about a sheep's uterus. He shuddered and headed towards the back of the club.  
  
"Weasley!"  
  
Ron turned to see Draco Malfoy.  
  
"What are you doing in a place like this?" Malfoy asked.  
  
"Harry asked Hermione and me to come."  
  
"Ah, the famous Trio reunited at a gay club," Malfoy sneered.  
  
"Sod off." Ron continued his walk towards the back.  
  
"Care for a flaming wizard, Weasley?" Unfortunately, Malfoy was pacing him.  
  
"I really hope that's a drink."  
  
"It is. I'll buy you one."  
  
"Why would you buy me a drink?"  
  
Malfoy shrugged. "I'm bored."  
  
They approached the bar and Ron saw Tom, apparently no longer working at the Three Broomsticks.  
  
"Why don't you take that table there, I'll just be a minute." Malfoy turned to Tom. "Two flaming wizards, please." He placed a few coins on the bar.  
  
Ron went to sit down at the only empty table nearby. He rubbed his eyes. It was hard to believe his best friend was pregnant and with Snape's child. He shook his head. He couldn't really imagine a man wanting to get pregnant. _But if it makes Harry happy._ Ron could almost hear Hermione's voice in his head.  
  
A familiar voice interrupted his thoughts "Isn't that Ron?"  
  
Ron looked over and saw Bill at the next table with Remus Lupin.  
  
"Little brother." Bill leaned over to shake his hand. "This is a surprise, seeing you here. I had no idea, really." Bill turned towards Lupin. "Did you have any idea? Do you think Hermione knows? I would have thought that out of any of us Ron was-"  
  
"What? No," Ron said. "I'm here with Hermione. We're here for Harry. Really."  
  
"Oh, well that makes more sense," Bill said.  
  
"Why are you and Lupin here, anyway?" Ron asked. "Where are Fleur and Tonks?"  
  
"They're having a girls night out. I thought we should have some fun as well," Bill said. "I think your drink has arrived."  
  
"Two flaming wizards," Malfoy said, as he dropped the glasses down on the table with a clunk. The drinks had magenta flames dancing on top of a purple liquid. "We've got to wait until the flames go out unless you want to blow on them." Malfoy arched an eyebrow.  
  
"I think I can wait."  
  
"So you and Granger...no surprise."  
  
Ron laughed. "Probably not." The fires went out with a little puff of smoke.  
  
"Cheers," said Malfoy. They each took a drink.  
  
"'S'not bad. Bit fruity, though."  
  
Malfoy leaned in conspiratorially. "Your mate Longbottom's in way over his head," he said, gesturing towards the end of the bar. Fred was running a finger up and down Neville's forearm while George whispered in his ear. Or maybe he was sucking his earlobe. Ron couldn't quite tell. Neville was blushing profusely.  
  
"Wow, I did not need to see that," Ron said. "Is everyone I know gay?"  
  
Malfoy simply nodded. He and Ron made small talk for awhile, and each had a few more flaming wizards. Ron could tell that Malfoy - who had shifted to the seat next to Ron - was quite drunk.  
  
"Weasel...ly," Malfoy said. "Ron," he let out a sigh. "Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful baby blue eyes?" He brushed Ron's cheek with his fingers.  
  
"Malfoy, you-"  
  
"I know. But it is true."  
  
"Er, thanks, I guess"  
  
"God, I've had way too much. I should be going. Cheers, Weasley."  
  
"'Night."  
  
Malfoy started to leave but then he turned back, his eyes dropping to the table between them. "Look, Ron, sixth year..." he said. "I just want to say I'm sorry for-"  
  
"I know."  
  
"Goodnight."  
  
\--  
  
Hermione was walking around trying to find Ron. Harry and Snape had disappeared to the back some time ago, and she had just disentangled herself from Colin Creevey. The poor boy was sweet but he seemed to fancy Harry more than ever. Wait, was that a flash of Ron's hair? She craned her neck, but ended up running into somebody.  
  
"Oof."  
  
"I'm so sorry," Hermione said.  
  
"Hermy...Hermione?"  
  
"Viktor? It's been ages! What are you doing here? Are you okay? Sorry about that, I was looking for Ron."  
  
"You did not hurt me. I am here with Charlie. He is Ron's brother. You have met him, I think."  
  
"Yes, a few times. Does Ron know Charlie's here? I'm sure he will want to see him."  
  
"I do not know. Charlie tells me you and Ron are married now."  
  
"Yes, almost a year."  
  
"That is wonder-"  
  
"Hermione!"  
  
"Viktor!"  
  
Ron and Charlie walked up, arms around each other's shoulders. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.  
  
"What's so funny, _boys_?"  
  
Hermione, you'll never guess who we saw in the loo."  
  
"Someone we know?"  
  
Charlie answered. "A former classmate of yours and a certain bus driver."  
  
"Stan Shunpike." Hermione asked. "Who was he with?"  
  
"Ernie Macmillan."  
  
"Ernie Macmillan? But that's not funny at all."  
  
"Not that. You won't believe how flexible Ernie is."  
  
"Yeah," Charlie said. "The things...I didn't even know that was possible." He shook his head.  
  
"What did he do, exactly?"  
  
"Hermione, really, that's private and it's impolite to gossip," Ron said.  
  
"And peeping on them in the bathroom was respecting their privacy, _Ron_?"  
  
"Ah, you sound like my mum. Anyway, we didn't mean to peep, we just walked in on them and it was sort of hard not to watch. Like someone crashing their broomstick."  
  
"Sorry to interrupt, but Viktor and I should get going," Charlie said. "It's late and we're having lunch at the Burrow tomorrow, well, today, now. Hermione, it was lovely to see you and Ron, it's always fun." He kissed Hermione's cheek and gave Ron a hug.  
  
"Goodnight Charlie," Hermione said. "And Viktor, we'll come for lunch tomorrow so we can catch up, okay?"  
  
"That would be nice. Goodbye Hermione, goodbye Ron," Viktor said.  
  
"'Night."  
  
Ron and Hermione watched Viktor and Charlie leave.  
  
"Are you ready to go?" Hermione asked. It was getting late and the club was starting to empty, though the music was still playing.  
  
"Shouldn't we say goodbye to Harry? And Snape?"  
  
"They...well they didn't look like they were going to be coming back anytime tonight."  
  
"Oh...oh! Well we can send them an owl tomorrow asking if they want to go to lunch. Do you want to _Apparate_?"  
  
"No, it's such a nice night let's just walk." Hermione took Ron's hand and they left the club.  
  
"Did you enjoy yourself?"  
  
"I did, actually."  
  
They walked in a companionable silence. It was a very still night, only the chirping of a few insects breaking up the silence. Pixies flitted from bush to bush. Hermione threw her arms around Ron.  
  
"You're pretty friendly tonight."  
  
"Oh Ron, I'm just so lucky to have you." She gave him a quick kiss and pulled back.  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"How was it that I ended up with one of the few straight wizards in England?"  
  
Ron laughed. "Convenience, probably. You were around quite a lot. And it doesn't hurt that you're cute, even if you are a bit bossy."  
  
"Ron!" She laughed and he kissed her cheek before grabbing her hand. They walked in silence for a time but Ron could tell she was itching to talk about something, though she was restraining herself.  
  
After she started worrying her lip, Ron asked "What is it, Hermione?"  
  
"Harry and Snape. It's the most fascinating thing how-"  
  
"I don't want to hear it."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Look, I've stood by Harry through most everything and I'm even a little excited for him. At least, it looks like he's really happy, which is important." Ron took a deep breath. "But I've no interest in how it actually happened. The little I heard was more than enough."  
  
"You aren't the least bit curious?"  
  
"I've never been less interested in anything."  
  
"He's our friend!"  
  
"Friends don't have to tell each other _everything._ "  
  
Hermione huffed. She knew Ron was right, loathe though she might be to admit it. But it was truly amazing, how Harry and Snape had accomplished something no one had ever done before. It was groundbreaking! It might change the way wizards and witches thought about gender roles!  
  
"I could _Obliviate_ you after."  
  
"Who are you, Lockhart?"  
  
"Honestly, Ron, you're being very difficult."  
  
"Me? Just because I don't want to know how Snape knocked up my best friend?"  
  
Hermione's eyes narrowed, though she didn't say anything further. But they did hold hands the rest of the way home.

End

 


End file.
